How Being too “Nice” Costs Leaders the C-Suite

A few weeks ago, I was working with a VP who’d spent years delivering results, cleaning up messes, mentoring people no one else could reach, and holding an organization together through sheer force of will.

He wasn’t an underperformer.
He wasn’t invisible.
He was the guy people went to when things mattered.

And yet… when the C-suite role opened up — the one he’d effectively been doing for months — his CEO passed him over.

No apology.
No explanation.
Didn’t even look conflicted about it.

Just a shrug and, “We’re going in another direction.”

And that’s when it hit him — and me, if I’m honest:

Being respected, being relied on, even being liked… doesn’t mean you’re seen as a leader who belongs at the top table.

So what gives?

Why do “good guys” — the steady ones, the ones who care, the relationship builders — get stuck one rung below the leadership tier they’ve actually earned?

Here’s the inconvenient truth:

Being “likable” and being a leader people trust with power are not the same thing.
In fact — being too nice can get interpreted as:

• People pleasing

• Avoiding necessary conflict

• Seeking approval

• Someone who maintains harmony instead of making hard calls

And when the decision is: Do we trust this person with actual power?
No one wants to promote someone who keeps the peace but never pushes back.

The 3 Shifts That Change Everything

These are the exact adjustments that VP made — and the same ones I now teach leaders who are tired of being overlooked.

1️⃣ Stop Fawning (It Reads as Subservience)

The micro-habits you believe make people comfortable?
They can actually make you look less powerful.

• Nodding too quickly

• Laughing to smooth tension

• Over-explaining

• Softening your language so no one gets uncomfortable

You think you’re being kind.
They read it as: This person needs approval more than they stand for conviction.

Presence begins where people-pleasing ends.

2️⃣ Use Strategic Silence

Most leaders don’t lose power because they say the wrong thing — they lose it because they won’t stop talking.

Silence — held with calm — is power.

Silence — filled with rambling — is insecurity.

Ask a question.
Make a point.
Then let the room come to you.

3️⃣ Disagree — On Purpose

You want to be treated like a peer?
Then do what peers do:

Push back. Offer a different perspective. Challenge the room respectfully.

So before you walk into the meeting, ask yourself:

“Where are 2–3 places I don’t agree? What’s another way to see this?”

And when the moment comes:

“I get the logic. But if we stay this course, here’s where it breaks.”
“We’re missing an angle here — and I think it matters.”

That’s not rebellion.
That’s leadership.

So What Happened to Him?

He didn’t quit.
He didn’t get bitter.

He got serious.

He learned these shifts. He practiced them relentlessly.
Six months later, the way he ran meetings was unrecognizable — calmer, sharper, impossible to dominate.

Twelve months later, another company called.
They offered him the C-suite role his old company wouldn’t.

Today, his name has “Chief” next to it. And nobody mistakes his kindness for compliance anymore.

Final Thought

Powerful leaders don’t stop being kind.
They stop being harmless.

PS If you’ve been reading this and going, “Holy crap he is describing me to a T!” then let’s hop on a call and discuss how to make things better. No pressure- just clarity.